I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
