btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
