In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
