conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
