his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My liver just had a heart attack.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
