I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
