Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
