She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
