either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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