I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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