on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
