Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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