I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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