I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
