Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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