Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
