But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
