watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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