He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
