Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
