Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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