I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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