it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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