hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize