I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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