Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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