And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
