My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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