I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
