i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
