My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
