I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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