I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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