pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
