if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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