Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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