You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
