Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
