I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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