im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
