Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
