I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
