There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
