Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
