My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
