quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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