i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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