she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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