I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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