So drunk its hurt
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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