8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
