After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
