I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
