i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize