Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
