I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
