what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you win again, gameday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
