Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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